


1. marry 2. ??? 3. profit

by Ffwydriad



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Criminals, Con Artists, Ficlet, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-18 00:09:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21502066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ffwydriad/pseuds/Ffwydriad
Summary: in which jester has a plan
Comments: 1
Kudos: 35





	1. marry 2. ??? 3. profit

**Author's Note:**

> based on: https://malaismere.tumblr.com/post/188987337211
> 
> that post really blew up, huh. still not gonna write this as an actual fic, but i thought i might as well share what i managed to write first time around.

“So!” Jester says, slamming down the sketchbook on the table in front of them. “Our target: Caleb Widogast, Lord of Blumenthal.” She points to the flyer with a sketch of his face they recovered. “Super fucking rich. Super fucking mysterious. And, getting married. Soon.”

“To, if everything goes well, our very own Jester,” Molly continues. “See, his fiance-to-be is Baroness Mardun, and all that anyone knows about her is that she’s a tiefling, that she’s arriving in three days with a small escort, and that she is a down on her luck noble who needs money to maintain her lifestyle.”

“Hence, Jester,” Fjord reasons. “I’ve got two problems with this plan.”

“Only two?” Jester asks. “That must mean we did really, really good this time.”

“We’re only starting with two,” Fjord says. “How do we keep the Baroness from showing up, and how do we get the money, once you’re married?”

“Well, the second one should be simple enough. We don’t need all of his money - whatever’s in the treasury should do.”

“And the first?”

“Well, that’s where we kind of need some help,” Jester says. “We can’t just kill her - I mean, technically, we could, we’re really strong, but we shouldn’t just kill her, but that means we need at least a month before she shows up.”

“Steal all her stuff,” Yasha says. 

“Well, yes, but-” Molly starts. “Wait, Yasha, you may be right. She isn’t from around here - how will anyone know she’s a noble?”

“I mean, she is going to be wearing fancy clothes,” Jester points out. 

“And, it just so happens, we’re in need of some fancy clothes! We steal all her stuff. And leave her in a town somewhere with her guards. No money. It’s the perfect plan!”

“That doesn’t guarantee us the whole time,” Fjord says. 

“It gets us at least a week. And if he doesn’t believe Jester’s royalty a week in, then we’re already screwed.”

“Please don’t bring up how easily this plan could be screwed up,” Fjord says. “We’re not supposed to be going after nobles. There’s going to be guards everywhere.”

“Yeah, well, we’re trying to go after bad people,” Jester says, “and also trying to get a lot of money, and basically all of the nobles ever are dicks and they have tons of money and so they would make very good targets for us.”

“They make dangerous targets,” Fjord points out. 

“Are you saying no?” Molly asks. 

“You’re certain, that no one knows anything about Baroness Mardun?” he asks. 

“She is from the other side of the Empire!” Jester says. “And she is really secretive and doesn’t make portraits or attend balls and I have talked to a lot of people and the only thing that they know about her is the tiefling thing and the marriage thing.”

“We’re not going to get a chance like this again,” Fjord says. “We’ll go with your plan, but I want everyone ready to run as soon as things start turning bad. As soon as they even look like they’re gonna turn”

“Come on, Fjord, stop worrying so much,” Molly says. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“We get executed for impersonating nobility,” Fjord says. “Show me where we’re going to intercept the carriage, again?”

**Author's Note:**

> feel free come yell at me @malaismere on tumblr.


End file.
